Auntz
by Warpedkjh13
Summary: Daria's aunts come to town once again.


AUNTZ  
  
by Warpedkjh13  
  
--------------  
  
NOTES:  
  
Amy and Rita return to give Helen more grief. Amy meets Tom and approves. Trent meets Amy and runs like hell. What more can you ask for? Oh, yeah, and Jake goes nuts with the arguing.  
  
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OPENING CREDITS  
  
DARIA  
  
in  
  
AUNTZ  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
SCENE ONE: AMY BARKSDALE'S HOUSE  
  
AMY (on phone): Hello? Helen? Listen, I have some news for you. Yes. Yes. No, it's not that. Well, Rita and I are moving to Lawndale!  
  
(We hear a scream on the phone.)  
  
SCENE TWO: DARIA'S ROOM  
  
JANE: So Aunt Amy is coming to Lawndale?  
  
DARIA: Also starring Aunt Rita.  
  
JANE: Great.  
  
DARIA: Did I mention they're moving here?  
  
JANE: Great.  
  
DARIA: What do you think of Kevin?  
  
JANE: Great.  
  
DARIA: Penny for your thoughts?  
  
JANE: Huh?  
  
DARIA: You just said Kevin was great.  
  
JANE: I need a bar of soap and a sink, stat!  
  
DARIA: What's on your mind?  
  
JANE: Penny's coming back next month.  
  
DARIA: Great.  
  
(Jane frowns at this.)  
  
SCENE THREE: KITCHEN  
  
JAKE: Oh no! Amy and Rita? Coming here?  
  
HELEN: Yes, Jake, they're moving next week.  
  
JAKE: Helen, how much stress am I supposed to take from you exactly?  
  
HELEN: Is that a trick question? (phone rings, Helen answers) Hello? Oh, hiiii Eric. What? Oh my God! I'll be right over. (hangs up) Got to go, big meeting, future partner, bye!  
  
SCENE FOUR: QUINN'S BEDROOM  
  
SANDI: Two old people are coming to Lawndale next week?  
  
TIFFANY: Brr...  
  
QUINN: I know. It's awful.  
  
STACY: (bursts into tears)  
  
SANDI: I hope they don't wear plaids.  
  
STACY: (becomes uncontrollable)  
  
QUINN: I know. I know. It's alright, Stacy.  
  
SCENE FIVE: RITA BARKSDALE'S HOUSE  
  
RITA (on phone): Hello, Amy? Yeah, hi, it's Rita.  
  
(Splitscreen with Amy)  
  
AMY: Hi Rita. Please don't tell me you want to hug. (shudders)  
  
RITA: No, I was just wondering, when will we meet up?  
  
AMY: Probably on the day that we move, why?  
  
RITA: Just wondering.  
  
AMY (bemused): Mmhmm.  
  
RITA: Okay then.  
  
AMY: Okay, bye.  
  
(Rita's half of the screen disappears.  
  
SCENE SIX: AMY BARKSDALE'S HOUSE  
  
AMY: That woman needs help.  
  
SCENE SEVEN: LIVING ROOM  
  
(Daria and Quinn are watching TV.)  
  
SSW: Are aliens posing as famous supermodels? Run away from the runway, tonight on Sick Sad World.  
  
QUINN: That makes no sense whatsoever.  
  
DARIA: Oh no? Then why are they too thin.  
  
QUINN: There is no such thing as too thin.  
  
DARIA: And I guess that the children in Africa are dying from obesity.  
  
QUINN: Kids in Africa? Oh no! Fashion alert!  
  
(Quinn runs out.)  
  
DARIA: About time. Maybe I ought to get her a little red flashing light for Christmas, eh?  
  
(There is a knock at the door. Daria gets up to answer it.)  
  
DARIA: Aunt Amy?  
  
(Focus on Aunt Amy and Daria's shocked look. Commercial break. We return. Aunt Amy enters the living room.)  
  
AMY: Hi Daria.  
  
DARIA: You're not supposed to be here until Thursday!  
  
AMY: I had to get away from Rita. Where's your mother?  
  
(Daria mimes answering a cellphone.)  
  
DARIA (imitating Helen): Oh, hiiiii, Eric!  
  
AMY: I thought she would be. Anyway, I don't move in until Thursday so I need a place to stay.  
  
(Jake walks in, screams, then runs out.)  
  
AMY: I take it your father isn't thrilled about the new arrangements?  
  
DARIA: Aunt Amy, I think that my mother wouldn't like to have you here...  
  
AMY: And why not?  
  
DARIA: She blames you for my 'cynicising'. [1]  
  
AMY: Yes, I realized.  
  
DARIA: Aw, hell, you can stay in my room.  
  
(There is another knock at the door. Amy answers it and it is the Fashion Club. They scream and run away.)  
  
AMY: Why does everyone always do that when I show up?  
  
QUINN: Thanks a lot, Aunt Amy. Sandi! Wait up!  
  
AMY (to Daria): I see her frontal lobe hasn't grown back yet.  
  
DARIA: Almost. It's just a matter of time.  
  
SCENE EIGHT: MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS  
  
(Daria is almost asleep. She has her head down on her desk, closing her eyes. Jane nudges her with her elbow every time she closes her eyes.)  
  
O'NEILL: And so, the Taming of the Shrew, or as some of you know it, Ten Things I Hate About You-  
  
(Several members of the class cheer.)  
  
O'NEILL: -Is regarded as Shakespeare's funniest plays. Any questions?  
  
BRITTANY: Uh, yeah. Will we be reading Harry Potter?  
  
O'NEILL: (sigh) Class dismissed. Daria, I would like to talk to you for a minute.  
  
DARIA: (yawn) Yes, Mr. O'Neill?  
  
O'NEILL: I've noticed that you've been nodding off all day. Is there something wrong at home perhaps? Is it your father? Have he and your mother been fighting? You can tell me all about it.  
  
DARIA: No, Mr. O'Neill, my aunt has come over, and she's sleeping in my room, and I'm sleeping on the- (yawn) -couch and there's a bar in my back that won't let me sleep... [2]  
  
O'NEILL: Perhaps Mrs. Manson would like to hear all about this... hello?  
  
(Daria has vanished.)  
  
O'NEILL: Uh... Daria?  
  
SCENE NINE: DEGA STREET  
  
DARIA: Can I sleep at your house until Thursday?  
  
JANE: Yeah, sure.  
  
DARIA: Thank you. So how's Mystik Spiral going? Still recording that album? [3]  
  
JANE: I think they're putting together a heap of instrumental tracks because Trent keeps sleeping in all the time.  
  
DARIA: Can't one of the other guys sing?  
  
JANE (very off key): With an oink oink here and an oink oink there...  
  
DARIA: I get the point. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  
  
JANE: TouchÃ©, Hulk. TouchÃ©.  
  
SCENE TEN: DEMARTINO'S CLASSROOM  
  
(DeMartino is teaching, and Quinn is conducting a fashion club meeting at the same time.)  
  
QUINN: So she wore green and for Halloween she painted her pumpkin head blue. I mean, like, yuck!  
  
STACY: Blue pumpkins are wrong.  
  
DEMARTINO: EXCUSE me, ladies, but if you could BREAK off your meeting for TWO SECONDS and allow me to TEACH you and your SCUM dribbling classmates a lesson.  
  
TIFFANY: Yelling... is... wrong.  
  
(DeMartino runs out screaming.)  
  
SANDI: The Fashion Club meeting is back in order. First topic- me must think up an emergency plan just in case Ms. Li decides to bring in uniforms.  
  
(Stacy cries.)  
  
SANDI: Stacy, if you are finished?  
  
STACY: Eep!  
  
SANDI: I would like to discuss that unfashionable strange woman living with Quinn.  
  
QUINN: She isn't living with us, she's staying for a few days in... that weird girl's room.  
  
TIFFANY: Then where is that weird girl sleeping?  
  
QUINN: Uh... on the couch.  
  
SANDI: On the sofa where we conduct our meetings?  
  
TIFFANY: Eeew.  
  
SANDI: Fashion Club, I call for an emergency tushie wipe.  
  
(They run to the toilets.)  
  
SCENE ELEVEN: GIRL'S TOILETS  
  
(Sandi and the girls run in and grab bits of paper. They wipe the seat of their pants with them. Daria walks out from a stall.)  
  
DARIA: Excuse me?  
  
QUINN: Eek!  
  
(The girls run out, as fast as they can. Jane comes out from another stall.)  
  
JANE: Fashion tyrants finally have a weakness!  
  
SCENE TWELVE: HELEN'S OFFICE  
  
(The phone rings and Helen picks it up.)  
  
HELEN: Hello?  
  
SECRETARY (through phone): Uh, there's a Rita Barksdale on line three.  
  
HELEN: Thank you.  
  
(She pushes a button and splitscreen with Rita.)  
  
RITA: Hello, Helen.  
  
HELEN: Hi Rita.  
  
RITA: Do you know where Amy is?  
  
HELEN: She's staying with us.  
  
RITA: Staying with you? Why?  
  
HELEN: I don't know.  
  
RITA: Why didn't she want to stay with me?  
  
HELEN: I have a few ideas.  
  
RITA: What, Helen?  
  
HELEN: Oh, nothing.  
  
SCENE THIRTEEN: MORGENDORFFER'S LIVING ROOM  
  
(Daria is sitting watching MTV. She switches it over to Sick Sad World.)  
  
SSW: Can a high F shatter a person's window? Door breaking operetta, tonight on Sick Sad World.  
  
(Amy comes in.)  
  
AMY: Uh, Daria. I have some bad news.  
  
DARIA: Oh great, Mom's dead. Looks like I'm gonna have to go to a foster home, away from Quinn and the fashion club.  
  
AMY: Your Aunt Rita is coming to stay.  
  
JAKE (O.C.): Noooooo!  
  
AMY: I have a book I think you might like to read.  
  
DARIA: What is it?  
  
AMY: A horror novel by Stephen King. [4]  
  
(Amy puts on her glasses and reads a passage from it.)  
  
AMY (reading): She looked up from her books with a startled wince, as if expecting a blow. The day was overcast and the bank of fluorescents embedded in the ceiling was not particularly kind to her pale complexion. (closing the book) I'll leave you to it.  
  
(The doorbell rings. Amy gets up to answer it. It is Trent. He does a double take when he sees Aunt Amy {with her glasses on she is the splitting image of Daria} and Daria. He runs off screaming.)  
  
DARIA: Y'all come back now, ya hear?  
  
AMY: I'm sick of people doing that to me.  
  
DARIA: It's probably what I'll have to look forward to in my older days. Would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow? I want you to meet my boyfriend Tom Sloane.  
  
AMY: Tomorrow? Let me just see my schedule.  
  
(Her schedule reads:  
  
MONDAY:  
  
Turn water into wine.  
  
TUESDAY:  
  
Heart to heart talk with niece.  
  
WEDNESDAY:  
  
Call current boyfriend and break up.  
  
THURSDAY:  
  
Move to Lawndale with Rita.  
  
FRIDAY:  
  
Help Daria rid the world of scum like the fashion club.  
  
She rubs out 'call current boyfriend and break up' and replaces it with Meet niece's boyfriend, play nice, get money from sister.)  
  
AMY: I think that relationship might have to go a little longer.  
  
(The doorbell rings.)  
  
AMY: You answer it this time. No way I'm ever answering the door again.  
  
(Daria opens the door. It is Rita.)  
  
RITA: Surprise.  
  
SCENE FOURTEEN: HELEN'S OFFICE  
  
(The phone rings again and Helen answers it.)  
  
HELEN: Hello?  
  
SECRETARY (on phone): Your daughter on line 2.  
  
HELEN: Thank you.  
  
(She presses a button and there is now a splitscreen with Daria.)  
  
DARIA: Uh... mom?  
  
HELEN: Yes, sweetie?  
  
DARIA: There's a couple of people who want to talk to you.  
  
(Aunt Amy takes the phone from Daria, and another splitscreen appears, this time with Rita.)  
  
HELEN: Hello?  
  
AMY: Hi Helen.  
  
RITA: Hi, Helen.  
  
HELEN: Oh, hiiii Amy. Anything important, and it has to be important.  
  
AMY: Rita's staying till Thursday.  
  
HELEN: Oh, well that's ridiculous.  
  
RITA: And exactly why is it ridiculous?  
  
HELEN: There's just not enough room! Where are you going to sleep?  
  
RITA: Your guest room?  
  
HELEN (nervous): Guest room? What guest room?  
  
RITA: You do this every time, Helen.  
  
(Amy hangs up and Rita and Helen's splitscreens disappear.)  
  
SCENE FIFTEEN: MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN  
  
AMY: Arguing.  
  
DARIA: My early Christmas present, right?  
  
AMY: Right.  
  
(They hug.)  
  
AMY: Oh, and by the way, if there is any group hugs with my sisters, I'm using my mace.  
  
SCENE SIXTEEN: PIZZA KING  
  
(Daria, Jane, Tom and Amy are sitting down to pizza.)  
  
JANE: So you're the famous Aunt Amy Barksdale?  
  
AMY: Yes, that's me.  
  
DARIA: She's moving here tomorrow. With Aunt Rita.  
  
(Tom keeps eating but Jane has a shocked expression on her face.)  
  
TOM: Good pizza.  
  
(Sandi peeks out from behind one of the seats and takes a picture of Amy, eating pizza.)  
  
JANE: It's amazing. You two are the exact mirror image of each other.  
  
DARIA: Uh... thanks, I guess.  
  
AMY: So, Tom, tell me a little about yourself.  
  
TOM: Uh, okay, I'm a guy, eighteen years old, I'm going out with your niece...  
  
AMY: All very interesting stuff.  
  
JANE: No wonder Trent told me that Daria had been cloned.  
  
AMY: Trent?  
  
DARIA: The guy who ran off screaming.  
  
AMY: Oh. You know him?  
  
JANE: He's my brother.  
  
AMY: Oh. Is your mother Amanda, Jane?  
  
JANE: Yes.  
  
AMY: I think that she and I were penpals. We broke off after she got married.  
  
JANE: Interesting.  
  
AMY: You guys always eat here?  
  
DARIA: It's the indigestion capital.  
  
JANE: Yeah. We like to laugh at the crappy service.  
  
AMY: Daria? Laughing?  
  
TOM: Stranger things have happened.  
  
JANE: Remember that time every one thought we were alien communists?  
  
DARIA: Yeah, we were about to get lynched.  
  
SCENE SEVENTEEN: TOM'S BEDROOM  
  
(Tom is writing into his journal.)  
  
TOM (V.O.): I stared into the face of my future today at Pizza King. I finally met Amy Barksdale, Daria's aunt, and they were the exact mirror image. At least I know what I'm in for later on in life.  
  
SCENE EIGHTEEN: MORGENDORFFER GUEST ROOM  
  
(A surprisingly empty room, no bed or anything. Rita and Helen walk in.)  
  
RITA: You expect me to sleep in here?  
  
DARIA (O.C.): No, Aunt Rita, I expect you to die.  
  
(Amy snickers offscreen.)  
  
RITA: That's it! I'm moving back! I'm not going to live here.  
  
SCENE NINETEEN: JANE'S ROOM  
  
DARIA: So, Rita's going back and she's dragging Amy with her.  
  
JANE: It's a pity. It would be good to have another cynic in town.  
  
SCENE TWENTY: QUINN'S ROOM  
  
QUINN: So, Amy and Rita are going back tonight.  
  
SANDI: Thank God.  
  
STACY: That was a fashion emergency.  
  
TIFFANY: Yeah... emergency.  
  
SANDI: What's next?  
  
QUINN: Uh... (checks list) Puffy pants.  
  
TIFFANY: Brr.  
  
SCENE TWENTY ONE: LIVING ROOM  
  
(Rita and Amy are just about to leave.)  
  
RITA: I've worked it all out with my real estate agent...  
  
HELEN: Oh, that's good, you won't need any legal help, I'm busy enough as it is...  
  
RITA: What is that supposed to mean?  
  
(Amy walks up to Daria.)  
  
AMY: It's a pity it didn't work out.  
  
DARIA: Yeah. It'd be nice having you around.  
  
AMY: Tell you what... (hands Daria a mobile phone) Your number is 1479-947- 957. I'll pay for all of the calls you make. Just remember to call me sometime. And often.  
  
DARIA: Gee, Amy... thanks.  
  
(Amy and Daria share a smile.)  
  
RITA: Oh, I'm sorry, Helen!  
  
HELEN: I'm more than sorry, Rita!  
  
RITA: Group hug!  
  
(Amy runs out as Helen and Rita reach for her. We hear a cab driving off.)  
  
RITA: Uh... Amy?  
  
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THE END  
  
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End Credits Music - We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister  
  
Alter Egos:  
  
Jane - Tiger woman  
  
Snow White  
  
Jane Bond (tee hee hee)  
  
Quinn - Hello Kitty  
  
Bearded Girl  
  
Gargoyle  
  
Trent - Grandma  
  
Fireman  
  
Pinface  
  
Daria - Two heads with Quinn  
  
Daria Logo  
  
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AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Wow! There it is. Possibly my longest and favourite work of all. Look, I'm getting no emails. Don't writers get emails? Anyway, I think that my favourite part of all of this was the Fashion Club 'tushie-rub'. Embarrassing. I wonder how it would have turned out if Jane had taken a picture? Incriminating evidence. But, I'm using the classic laws of cartoons. It must end as it was at the start.  
  
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THOSE DAMNED FOOTNOTES  
  
[1] - Yeah, I know, I know, Abruptly Amy. But it is a good point, right? Right?  
  
[2] - Shameless Seinfeld imitation. Whoops, guess I just couldn't resist.  
  
[3] - Remember, Mystik Spiral signed a contract for an album in Hey Daria (another self plug, I suddenly feel so dirty).  
  
[4] - Hey, horror buffs, the book is Carrie, for those of you who are wondering.  
  
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Thanks for reading!  
  
Warpedkjh13  
  
2001 


End file.
